(WARNING: This article is intended for those of the age of sexual consent. If you're too young for sex stuff... you should stop reading now!)

IN DEFENSE OF JEFFREY TOOBIN

Let's start with the basics:

1. Humans are animals. I don't care how you feel about this. Truth is truth, even if it hurts your feelings.

2. Sex feels good.  Surely we can ALL agree to this? If not... tell me more! Do you think sex doesn't feel good? If so, there are DEFINITELY some things we should talk about.

Now to the matter of Mr. Toobin, whose recent behavior has been covered as if it were criminal. And it's true that poor Mr. Toobin has been caught red-handed in the act of sexual gratification in front of his colleagues, which is unequivocally not cool. But let's take a minute now to acknowledge that sexual gratification, in an of itself, is not a crime. It's not like Mr. Toobin stabbed a guy in front of his unwitting Zoom witnesses. See the difference? If not, try opening your eyes, then looking again.

I would agree that the setting for his masturbation session was inappropriate. He obviously thinks so, too, and has issued fervent apologies for his "stupid mistake." The fact that he thought his camera was off and that his colleagues couldn't see him over Zoom doesn't negate the fact that sexual pleasure and online business meetings do not mix, but that same fact also assures us that he wasn't intentionally exposing himself. It was an accident. And accidents happen. I myself recently forgot that I was drying a cast iron pan on the stove, only to come to the kitchen five minutes later to find it nearly smoking. If I had been thinking properly, I would have set the timer like I usually do; if Mr. Toobin had been thinking properly, he would have (a) double-checked his camera setting was off and (b) maybe waited until after the meeting was over to beat off, like a normal person.

And yet! I stand in defense of Mr. Toobin, whose important work at The New Yorker  and CNN is not somehow nullified by the slip-up of inappropriately-timed sexual pleasure. Get over it, guys. Sex feels good and we all like it. Even journalists. Even everyone. Even YOU. And that's great news, really! It's how mother nature designed it. Sex feels good and that's on purpose. As for the issue of Mr. Toobin's marriage: (1) the sexual habits and agreements of anyone I am not in a relationship with is NONE OF MY BUSINESS and (2) mother nature wasn't like "okay this is going to be the BEST thing in the world... but only if you're doing it with your wife." 

Enough with the outrage at human sexuality. It's just another way for humans to incorrectly put themselves in an ascending order of better to worse, and now that you know the events of Mr. Toobin's Zoom call, you get to think that you are better than he. But you aren't. Not because you've necessarily done anything similar, but because no human is better than another human. This is another dose of truth that won't ever be untrue, even if you won't believe it. 

So, Mr. Toobin, I am sorry that you're dealing with America's inconsistent sexual attitudes, where we don't bat an eye at using sex in the name of selling products but where we call FOUL immediately, as soon as any real sexual encounter is documented. You are a sexual being (like all the rest of us) and this does not somehow invalidate your professional, intellectual, and important contributions to this world. Of course, I would recommend waiting until you've fully logged off Zoom next time you need to get your rocks off. And while we're on the topic of obvious advice, I also recommend setting a timer if you're going to dry a cast iron pan on your stove top.

In peace, as always,

-Evy Wallace

Have you ever heard someone say, or maybe even thought yourself, "I'd rather die than go blind"? I have. Heard someone say it, I mean. And if the person who said it hadn't been a hospice client diagnosed with dementia, I would have said: 

"Do you know any blind people?" or

"Maybe you can make that decision if the decision ever presents itself," or

"I have a blind friend, and she wouldn't agree with you."

If you, dear reader, have wondered how it might feel to be alive as a blind person, or if you think you'd rather die than go blind, I HIGHLY recommend reading Outside Myself, by Kristen Witucki. Of course, the book isn't a one-trick pony. If you were ever bullied or witnessed bullying in grade school, I recommend Outside Myself by Kristen Witucki. (If the scene with Erin doesn't make you cry, I don't know what will.) Come to think of it, if you were raised by divorced parents or are raising children as a co-parent, I recommend Outside Myself by Kristen Witucki. If this book were ever optioned as a movie, the family scenes alone would win the Oscar for best screenplay.

This book! This book is for people who want a palpable tour through a seven-movement arrangement of music you may or may not have heard before.This book is for people who have questioned whose, if anyone's, religious rules you should live by. This book is for people who have become best friends with the person you couldn't stand at first. 

For blindness awareness month, AND for the good of anyone reading this, please run out and get a copy of Outside Myself. Do it! (If you want to.)

Say you get what you want. Say if I get pregnant again, I MUST, legally have the baby and I am a law-breaking criminal if I want an abortion. Let's imagine that world, shall we?

Dear Mr. Jim Carrey,

That check you wrote yourself: I get that. I see that. I did that. But enough about manifestation!

I feel called to write this letter, and have felt called, I suspect, for a while now. It’s fun to imagine you reading this. Because we can do anything in our imaginations! ANY. Thing. Anything.

The first time I heard you was when you asked about impersonating Jesus. Because you’re right: where is the boundary of where we stop and where others start? (I feel confident Jesus thought so, too.)

Then I kept hearing you. How you ponder the nature of identity. How you wish everyone had the chance to get what they thought they wanted if only to see that that wasn’t really what they wanted. That’s exactly right. You are exactly right. 

Freedom from concern is the whole point. Jerry Seinfeld calls it killing time, and he’s not wrong… But freedom from concern is bigger than that.

I have some feedback for you about free will. I have some questions for you about the "prison" of becoming.

I have written a book that you *may* have been waiting for? Someone is waiting for it, I know that much. If it’s you, it will find its way to your heart. If it’s not you, it will find its way into their heart.

Sending you so much gratitude and, I’m just going to say it, unconditional love.

Xoxo,

Evy

​

Hi!

​This is your deepest heart talking. If you get quiet for just a moment, you can always hear me. For now, I have a few things to say on this very special day, so PAY ATTENTION:

You are a wonderful, magical, so good, very great person. You were born on purpose, and you have important work to do here on earth. Don't believe me? Think that some stuff you've done (or haven't done) makes it untrue? Well I have good news for you: who you are in your core (where I live) is perfect love, perfect light. It's TRUE! I PROMISE! The real you is so worthy of love because the real you IS love.

So now that we have that established, there's nothing scary about looking inward (where I live) and checking in on some of your behaviors. Did that thing you did or said or posted feel good? Like, really and actually good? Or did it just feel good for a minute, like junk food, before it made you sick? It's okay to acknowledge that it made you sick. It's okay to admit that something you did or said or posted was actually a little hurtful (or a lot). Because even if you've done a hurtful thing, who you really are is not dependent on what you have (or haven't) done. I'm not saying do it again, though. I'm not saying that being hurtful is awesome. I'm saying I forgive you, which means you forgive you. All you have to do now is not do that hurtful thing again! Easy peas-y! 

Also! Don't you be looking away from this deepest place just because that other person did a hurtful thing to you. I'll have a separate chat with THEM later. Right now, I'm just talking to YOU.

I know there's some crazy things happening in the world right now, and we are all living under conditions that, if we had the choice, we wouldn't be living under. So I have some more good-ish news on that front: there's a whole lot in this life that you don't have a choice about, so it's a waste of energy wishing those things were different. And you know what wasted energy looks like? It looks like flushing actual money down an actual toilet. So let's stop telling ourselves "I wish Covid 19 never happened," and say instead, "these new circumstances are challenging! Whew!" Once your energy stops leaking out unnecessary channels, you'll have more to do the work of actually surviving these times. (Also, it's okay to strive to minimize the damage! It's silly to wish Covid-19 never happened but it's not silly to do everything you can to keep your grandma and your neighbor's grandma ALIVE!)

Okay one more thing before I sign off (as if I actually ever could! I'm always with you! Ha ha!). I challenge you to look honestly, without flinching, at someone else's suffering today. I know I know, it's your birthday and you're supposed to be eating cake and making merry. But I promise that this exercise will satisfy a deeper longing than sweets and gifts ever could. I challenge you to just LISTEN to someone else saying "ouch, it hurts me when...". Maybe you can do something to alleviate their suffering, maybe you can't. But you definitely can't help them if you don't listen. Why would you want to help them, you ask? Because you ARE them. Because we are all different loaves of the same sourdough.

In closing, I want to wish you the happiest of birthdays. It is a MIRACLE you were born! It's an honest-to-goodness miracle that you have a body (WE ARE LITERALLY AND TRULY STAR DUST!!!), and I am so excited to see what you do with the power that is your birthright. You were born to be YOU in this world, and no one else can do that job! Now go show the world who you choose to be today!

In love,

Your Deepest Heart
​Transcribed by Evy